I’ve been struggling lately with my personal self esteem. My husband and I made a lifestyle change last year. We made a commitment to be healthier, to eat better and exercise more regularly. We started running, dieting, working out… My husband lost 20 pounds.
I gained 5.
I feel overwhelmed by the need to lose this 20 pounds that I have left over from my pregnancy with my 3-year-old. It seems as though it’s a lost cause. My friends who I talk to tell me not to worry about the number on the scale but isn’t that really the goal of losing weight? To actually lose weight? Every time I step on and see no change or change in the wrong direction I feel disgusted with myself. Why bother right? Why bother getting up at 6 am to run 3-4 miles 3 times a week? Why deprive myself from the treats that I want when depriving myself isn’t making a difference? It’s easy to eat healthy when you’re reaping the benefits of eating healthy. It stinks when you’re not.
My husband has had to have all of his pants taken up, he’s lost 2 sizes in his pants. Mine are tighter than they were last year. Every time he tells me that he has to get new shorts because his are just “hanging off of him” I want to punch him in the throat. I love him dearly, obviously. 🙂 He’s successful, I’m proud of him. He does try to help me, telling me the things that I “just need to change” but I’ve given up in my heart. I have dreams of being my old self, fitting into my old dresses, wearing a bathing suit without feeling self conscious. I set goals, “ten pounds by Christmas” turned into “ten pounds by Valentine’s Day” which I’m sure will be “ten pounds by Easter” soon enough.
After the boys were born I lost the weight quickly. Easily. I could skip a meal and lose 5 pounds. That spoiled me. I was pregnant with them in my early to mid-twenties. Having a third child in your mid-thirties changes things. It’s a different ball game. My body seems to have just said “ha ha fatty, you’re stuck with me!” I sometimes call Liv my little muffin top because that’s what she gave me 🙂
My devotion yesterday got me thinking about all of this. It was entitled “You are Not What They See” It reminded me that God doesn’t care what my body looks like. He looks at my heart to see my beauty. It also told me that the reason I feel the way that I do about my appearance is because the world’s view places so much emphasis on our physical appearance just to hide the fact that there is so much sin in our hearts. You have to make a choice about beauty. You can choose to invest in the purity of your heart and thoughts or you can invest in making your outward appearance beautiful. I don’t mean that you can’t have some level of both, there are a lot of gorgeous Christian women out there… they just both take a great deal of mental energy. How often do you think about your looks? How often do you think about the state of your heart and spirit? Do you wonder what people think of you when you’re out? Or do you wonder what God thinks of your heart? We are not what we see. Our hearts are eternal, our flesh is not. One day this body that is giving me fits will be a thing of the past and I’ll be basking in the light of Jesus wondering why on Earth I spent so much time worrying about it.
Anyway, this post has no purpose except to allow me to be me. Maybe some of you have the same feelings about yourself, maybe you don’t. I’ve said many times that this blog is meant to be my heart, and right now this really is.