She thinks I’m beautiful

One of my biggest struggles is body image. After 3 kids my body isn’t what it used to be. My boys were born in my 20’s and the 60 pounds that I gained came off easily. I was back in my pre pregnancy clothes in no time, however, my daughter was born in my 30’s. It’s as if my metabolism just says “nope.” I get up and go to the gym at 5 am, 3 days  per week. I eat healthy, I walk, I swim, I actively chase 3 kiddos around on a 24/7 basis and yet, I still hold on to 20 or so pounds from my pregnancy with her. I find that I don’t want to be photographed, I rarely wear shorts, I really just don’t like the way I look right now. I watch every little calorie. My mind is rarely on anything other than my weight or what I’m doing to fix it.

There are so many blogs, articles and posts about body image. How we are all beautiful and perfection is unattainable. Let me tell you something, I have never read anything that made me feel better about my vanity pounds. Never.  I know we are supposed to look at the heart, I know that my husband thinks I’m beautiful, I know that I look OK for my age and yet it’s not enough. I want so badly to be in my twenty-something body. I loathe my soft, mommy tummy, the fact that my favorite clothes still don’t fit and that I have limited wardrobe choices. Not because they don’t make clothes that fit me, but because I’m so stubborn that I won’t go purchase bigger sizes.

But then there’s Olivia. I am so aware of how big a part my body image will play in her life. I grew up with a beautiful mother who had the same struggles. She and I share that insecurity. I don’t want Liv’s self worth to depend on her pant size like it does for me. I want her to love her body no matter what her weight, just like my mother wanted for me. This is a hard cycle to break.

I don’t want Olivia to wake up every morning, strip off all her clothes and weigh herself so she knows how she’ll feel about her body that day. I don’t want her to hop back on the scale at night to see the damage done. I don’t want her to know that there is guilt in a treat. I want her to eat a piece of birthday cake without panicking. I want her to enjoy life in her skin because she is beautiful. She is perfect.

And you know what? In her 2 year old wisdom she thinks I am beautiful. She thinks I am perfect. My soft mommy tummy is her favorite place to snuggle. When her sweet little self wakes up in the morning she comes downstairs to cuddle on the couch. She climbs on top of me, pulls my shirt up and lays her warm little cheek on my tummy. It’s her safe spot. I wish I could love it like she does.


6 Replies to “She thinks I’m beautiful”

  1. Nice to hear I’m not the only one who has this struggle! It’s a battle,but unfortunately we are getting older and that accounts for a lot. You’re beautiful inside and out Nicki!!!

  2. Loved this post, don’t feel alone. we all are guilty of the constant urge to weigh ourselves and to beat ourselves up from the choices we make each day. I just met you, I met you in person. You are absolutely gorgeous! You are outgoing and fun. I read an article the other day about how media portrays the beauty. They are just like you and I, except with an amazing team of makeup, hair and photo editors. With out the extra team you still pull off beauty! I hope that one day you see the beauty we all see in you. but for now remember you my friend are not alone!

  3. Took me 58 years to learn to love myself enough to accept my weakness! My body is not perfect, far from it, but finally I no longer meet someone and immediately size them up to me and place value on them based on their size. I love my accomplishments, my wrinkles, my strength, my love and faith in God, the way I love my family unconditionally, my stability, the freind that I am, my craziness, and my sense of humor. I wasted so many years wishing I looked different, was smaller, could loose weight. Thought I would be happy if only I could be thin. No matter my accomplishments, they did not quite measure up in my mind because I was chubby. The most powerful accomplishment in my life was learning to love myself just as I am! My husband of 37 years still loves me, my adult children love me and know that I am always there for them, my grand babies love my plump arms that I wrapped around them. Now that I have reached the age that I have to pay a co-pay to get a feel, I have learned I’m pretty darn special just the way God made me! My prayer is for all you young women to take care of yourselves, eat healthy, change bad habits if you have them, and then wrapped your arms around yourself and allow love and acceptance! Trust me life is short don’t waste it on judging yourself. God does not make junk and there is not another woman in the world like me and I plan on appreciating that for the rest of my life!

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